In response to the Supreme Court’s decision in the Kelo case back in June (which basically said it’s cool if the government wants to bulldoze your 19th century Victorian to build a 21st century shopping mall), it looks like local governments around the country are standing up and saying, “Actually, we’re not big fans of that idea. Shame on you! Bad court! Bad!”
Unfortunately, since many of you find yourselves living in states that could care less about silly notions as “private property” (i.e. Connecticut, California, or Red China), here is a handy-dandy guide:
How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property
(in no particular order)
1. Scorched Earth – Perhaps the easiest strategy is to simply douse your property in sweet sweet gasoline. Depending on your level of technical sophistication, this can be done using a variety of methods, be it crop duster, sprinkler, or a simple bucket. Sadly, the price of gasoline these days could make this a little costly, but for us pyromaniacs, it will be more than worth it. This strategy has two key features going for it: it will instantly devalue your property to nearly nothing and no one will want to shoulder the burden of conforming to EPA regulations by paying for expensive cleansing of the property. Furthermore, when the government suits show up to evict you or arrest you or whatever, simply tell them, “Oh, you want my property? That’s cool. Think I’ll just have a cigar (or a 4th of July sparkler, for those of us who don’t smoke).” When you light it, toss the match onto your property, and stand back and watch the inferno of your own handiwork. It would probably be wise to be standing in the street or your neighbor’s yard when you do this. You should be prepared for the grim spectacle of having your land be a blasted wasteland where no plants or animals will live for several years, if ever.
2. Create an Endangered Habitat – If wanton environmental catastrophe isn’t your style, then that first option is probably not for you. You also probably never had much fun playing SimCity. However, rather than destroying the environment (and earning the ire of hippies everywhere), you can actually use that same awesome power to your advantage! (No, I’m not talking about summoning a tornado, although if that is within your capabilities, go for it.) Instead, take your garden hose (or better yet, the neighbor’s!) and leave it on all night. And the next day. And for the better part of a week. Gather a mob of tree-huggers, then contact the local news and tell them how the government wants to turn your wetland into a parking lot. (Note: it is crucial that you use the word “wetland.” This is the politically correct code word for “must be saved at all costs,” as opposed to “swamp,” which is the exact same thing, but conjures a different image in people’s minds. If you happen to have a “jungle” on your property, refer to it as a “rain forest.”) This plan is foolproof. Unless your neighbor confronts you with his water bill.
3. Piranha-Infested Moat – Centuries ago, when people wanted to defend their land, did they look to Brinks Security or ADT? Heck no. They surrounded the castle with a moat, and poured burning oil on anyone foolhardy enough to cross it. As we already noted, however, oil is a bit pricey these days, and spraying your town council with the garden hose is unlikely to have the same effect (unless the Wicked Witch of the West is on your town council, in which case it’s at least worth a try). To compensate for these changes, we suggest filling your moat with piranhas. While you’re at it, go ahead and release all sorts of savage animals into your yard, like wolverines, walruses, and mongeese to leap out of the undergrowth and savagely maul any intruders. No doubt this will further endear the hippies from #2 to your cause.
4. Make a Ground-Breaking Anthropological/Archeological Discovery – The easiest way to get listed on the National Register of Protected Historical Places is to find something historical on your property. This is easiest if your house is built over an indian burial ground, a civil war battlefield, or Atlantis, but is not necessary. If you are like most of us, you live on plain, boring old non-eventful turf, but it doesn’t have to be that way! Whenever your kids bring home art from school, go out and plant it in the yard. Anything works – macaroni glued to construction paper, shoddy crayon drawings (caution-strong language), or a lopsided ceramic flowervase. Wait several weeks, then invite all your archaeologist/anthropologist friends over for a big “Dig Up My Yard!”-themed party. Make sure to serve plenty of alcohol, and then hand out shovels. When they start making discoveries, be sure to act surprised. The booze should do the rest. The only downside to this plan is that the government might confiscate your land anyway, and make it a National Park.
5. Become an Indian – Another method to consider is to follow the lead of Ward Churchill and Bill Clinton, and become an official member of an Indian tribe. Everyone knows that only an arrogant white male imperialist oppressor would question what an Indian says, so this will solve a lot of your problems right off the bat. Heck, they won’t even dare making a passing reference to you. Then, all you need to do is call up the media (if they aren’t still around from #2) and tell them how you are being forced to leave your ancient homeland, where your ancestors have hunted the buffalo for generations. (Squirrels for those of us from New Jersey.) This plan is also nearly flawless, unless your name happens to translate as “Apaches-Are-Smelly-Squaws” or something, and they go on the warpath against you.
6. Form a Militia – This one may take a little planning. There was once a time where you only had to ride a horse through town in the middle of the night screaming about Redcoats, but that sort of business will get you locked up in a padded cell these days. An alternative, though, is to have lots of kids (if you have a hot wife, all the better). Your kids will willingly join your militia for the promise of some Mac & Cheese, or a trip to the zoo. Important: Make sure trigger-happy Janet Reno is not in the area.
7. Fortify Your Perimeter – Once you have your little militia formed, they will need battlestations to man. The government will probably try to stop you from getting artillery emplacements or anti-tank weapons, but that doesn’t mean you are without your options! (By the way, we probably should have told you earlier, but just for reading this guide, you are now on the Homeland Security No-Fly Watch List. Sucks to be you, dude.) If they won’t sell you any weaponry, you can always fall back on an old reliable stand-by: construct tree houses at strategic locations (preferably trees) around your yard. Many ancient cultures, such as the Ewoks and the Swiss Family Robinson, used these primitive fortifications to overcome superior numbers and technology, and I see no reason why you cannot, as well.
8. Rock Paper Scissors – Only use this devastating strategy as a last resort, as the mental and psychological ramifications can be extreme. Come out your front door waving a white flag, and asking for negotiations. (For you French out there, you will have a strong temptation to make this your first strategy, but you must not give in.) Challenge the highest ranking government official to a high-stakes no-holds-barred game of Rock Paper Scissors. This could be the mayor, but by this time, it is entirely possible that a 4-star general or even the governor may be present. Regardless of rank, no one can resist the sirens’ song of Rock Paper Scissors. Make sure you have refined your strategies and technique. If you lose the first round, quickly say, “Best of three!” If you find yourself losing again, shout out, “Best of five!” No chivalrous man would do you the dishonor of refusing. Unfortunately, outside the military’s officer corps, very few government officials are chivalrous, and this could be your undoing.
Aaron Fulkerson 