I have two teenage children. For those of you who also have teenagers you understand how easy it is to lose you ***t with them. And how their developing brains and surging hormones often lead to them losing control of their emotions as well.
I read somewhere emotions are like weather patterns. They affect the environment, but always pass. Recently I’ve learned a lovely and helpful mindfulness framework to help me manage my emotions and maintain agency (so I don’t lose my ***t) when I’m frustrated with my children and I’m also sharing this with my kids. It’s called R.A.I.N., which is a helpful tool for keeping cool.
I’ve been fond of Buddhism since I was a child and was introduced to it by my dear friend Henry Kikunaga (friends to this day 44 years later). And I love Science so I’m going to cover this from both the Buddhist and neuroscience angles. Also, it never ceases to amaze me ancient wisdom had it figured out before modern science.
The ancient Buddhist text Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta instructs practitioners to observe feeling tones (vedanā) as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral — recognizing them without clinging or aversion. Modern neuroscience confirms this wisdom: emotions themselves aren’t problems. The problem is reactive behavior. Like I said, it’s like weather patterns…they’re not the problem, they just are and it always passes.
The Neuroscience
Most people either avoid emotions (equating openness with weakness) or get swept away by them (unable to process without destabilization). Both lead to what neuroscience calls “bottom-up” responses from the limbic system: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn.
Here’s why this framework matters, it helps you shift from:
- Emotions → Behavior = Reflexive survival mode (limbic system), which means I’m probably raising my voice at my teenagers about dishes or laundry.
To a more effective and fulfilling approach:
- Emotions → Processing → Behavior = Considered action (integrated brain)
Pausing creates space for the prefrontal cortex to interpret emotional signals and direct behavior that serves your goals. Research by Lieberman et al. (2007) shows that simply labeling emotions reduces their neural intensity — what they call “affect labeling.”
Now, onto the simple algorithm that helps achieve this.
The R.A.I.N. Framework
Buddhist teacher Tara Brach adapted this acronym from traditional mindfulness practice, turning ancient wisdom into a repeatable method for meeting emotions without blind reaction. She also wrote “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha,” which is a great book.
R — Root Yourself (Establish Stability)
Before engaging with emotion, stabilize your nervous system:
- Posture: Sit or stand with awareness of physical grounding (I like to imagine a Giant Redwood — works for me)
- Anchor: Brief connection to core values or purpose
- Function: Activates parasympathetic nervous system, engaging prefrontal cortex
This mirrors the Buddhist quality of equanimity (upekkhā) — the stable mind that meets change without being overwhelmed.
A — Acknowledge the Weather (Observe Without Identity)
Name the emotion without judgment or story:
- Say “frustration is here” not “I am frustrated” or “I’m feeling sad”
- Avoid narrative (“because they…” or “this always…”)
- See it as temporary, like weather patterns
The Buddha’s instruction in mindfulness practice: observe experiences without making them personal identity. Modern psychology confirms this “decentering” reduces emotional reactivity.
I — Investigate with Curiosity (Extract Information)
Explore what the emotion is telling you.
- Ask: “What’s the signal here?”
- Fear → What risk needs addressing?
- Anger → What boundary’s been crossed?
- Sadness → What loss needs honoring?
- Treat it as intel, not identity. I’m feeling X rather than I am X. Stay curious rather than critical.
This aligns with Buddhist insight practice (vipassanā) — using investigation (dhamma-vicaya) to see clearly rather than react automatically. Treat emotions as intelligence, not identity.
N — Nourish and Navigate (Self-Compassion + Values-Based Action)
Two components backed by research:
Nourish: Self-compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system. Kristin Neff’s research shows self-compassionate responses reduce cortisol and increase emotional resilience.
Navigate: Choose action aligned with values rather than emotional impulse. Ask: “What serves my longer-term goals?” Then select one concrete step forward.
Respond with kindness toward yourself, then act in alignment with your values rather than reacting from fear, anger, etc.
- Offer yourself a supportive gesture (a breath, a kind phrase, unclenching your jaw). Anchor back into a strong posture.
- Ask: “What’s my next best action that serves my goals?” Choose one concrete step forward that serves your longer-term goals. Pick one small move — send a message, set a boundary, take a walk — then do it.
- Why: In both Buddhist compassion practice and modern self-compassion science (Kristin Neff), nurturing ourselves allows us to re-enter the world from a place of strength rather than depletion.
Speed Run
Ok, here’s the cheat code/speed run:
- Root (1-2 seconds): Physical grounding + deeper breath
- Acknowledge (2-3 seconds): Silent labeling without story
- Investigate (5-10 seconds): Quick scan for signal/data
- Navigate (5-10 seconds): Choose response aligned with goals
The Math
I do love math…Traditional reactive patterns operate at millisecond speeds through the amygdala. This 15-second process engages the prefrontal cortex, which processes information 200 milliseconds slower but with vastly superior decision-making capability.
Why This Works
Buddhist psychology and modern neuroscience converge: emotions provide valuable information, but emotional states shouldn’t determine behavior. The R.A.I.N. method creates what researchers call “cognitive reappraisal” — processing emotional information through higher-order thinking rather than automatic reaction.
Boom. I hope you get value from this. 🙂
Aaron Fulkerson 