Today I was chatting with a few co-workers. Somehow we got on the topic of birthing. Probably because I brought up pregnancy given that Tara and I are expecting. I shared some birthing fun facts and Roy suggested it would make a good blog post. I agree.
Human gestation is 10 months not 9 months. Yes, really. It’s your standard off by one error. Stupid non-programmers. What a newb mistake. No, I’m not kidding. 40 weeks = 10 months. You count from 0, duh…
Perinea massage is not massage at all. Whoever dubbed it “massage” was sick and twisted and should be slapped around vigorously. It’s more akin to taffy making, but not at all fun to watch.
There are three phases of labor. Each phase is more terrifying than the previous and it builds to a crescendo of horror during the transitional phase at which time the woman releases a sustained shriek that is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. You can feel it in your sternum. This is also the smelliest phase of labor.
Women giving birth do not remember much about giving birth. They’ll say: “it wasn’t so bad”. This is because natural selection has allowed the female gender to evolve a remarkably selective memory to the circumstances pertaining to birthing.
In short, unless you’ve seen some really twisted crimes against humanity, birthing is likely the most horrifying event you will ever witness. However, in the end, when you gaze upon your pointy headed co-creation you will ball your eyes out uncontrollably with joy and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder that can not be felt under any other circumstances. Lastly, you will have a new found respect for your partner that should sustain you through the first year of child rearing.