Some things you (likely) do not know about pregnancy/birthing

Today I was chatting with a few co-workers. Somehow we got on the topic of birthing. Probably because I brought up pregnancy given that Tara and I are expecting. I shared some birthing fun facts and Roy suggested it would make a good blog post. I agree.

Human gestation is 10 months not 9 months. Yes, really. It’s your standard off by one error. Stupid non-programmers. What a newb mistake. No, I’m not kidding. 40 weeks = 10 months. You count from 0, duh…

Perinea massage is not massage at all. Whoever dubbed it “massage” was sick and twisted and should be slapped around vigorously. It’s more akin to taffy making, but not at all fun to watch.

There are three phases of labor. Each phase is more terrifying than the previous and it builds to a crescendo of horror during the transitional phase at which time the woman releases a sustained shriek that is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. You can feel it in your sternum. This is also the smelliest phase of labor. 

Women giving birth do not remember much about giving birth. They’ll say: “it wasn’t so bad”. This is because natural selection has allowed the female gender to evolve a remarkably selective memory to the circumstances pertaining to birthing.

In short, unless you’ve seen some really twisted crimes against humanity, birthing is likely the most horrifying event you will ever witness. However, in the end, when you gaze upon your pointy headed co-creation you will ball your eyes out uncontrollably with joy and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder that can not be felt under any other circumstances. Lastly, you will have a new found respect for your partner that should sustain you through the first year of child rearing.

5 thoughts on “Some things you (likely) do not know about pregnancy/birthing

  1. Wow, the process you see sounds a lot worse than what my daughter's birth was like. She popped right out, no pointy head, in just a scant handful of pushes. Even at the time it was going on, Sarah wasn't terribly uncomfortable. Of course, she had an epidural. 🙂

    1. I would never do an epidural because if it is done the wrong way there is a huge chance it can screw up your back and/ or spine for the rest of your life…i gave birth with no meds at all and i had aprox 6 hours of labour….LOL…

  2. Perhaps you are far more courageous than I. I was scared shitless. I do get queasy seeing ultrasounds though… Ashby's birth was textbook. 2-3 hours, phase 1. ~6 hours, phase 2. 1 hour transition.

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